By Benedikt Büchsenschütz (Violence Prevention Network)

Youth is a period marked by uncertainty, self-doubt, and the search for orientation. Many young people grapple with questions of identity, belonging, and romantic relationships, a normal and essential part of growing up. Research shows that social pressure to appear masculine can elicit aggressive responses in men, especially when their gender identity feels threatened (Stanaland & Gaither, 2021). This highlights how social environments can inadvertently harm young men’s gender identity development and potentially others around them. Young men, in particular, face societal pressures and challenges that compound these uncertainties. While these difficulties must be acknowledged, they do not justify the adoption of harmful attitudes or behaviours.

The danger of comparison

In the digital age, these processes of self-exploration are increasingly shaped not only by peers or family, but also by the online spaces they inhabit (Pérez-Torrez 22178, 2024). Platforms such as TikTok, YouTube, and Instagram have become central arenas in which values, ideals, and notions of success are communicated, contested, and internalised (Pérez-Torrez 22175, 2024). Social comparison plays a significant role in this dynamic, as individuals, especially adolescents, start to evaluate and construct their identities in relation to others they encounter online. These comparisons, often upward and directed at perceived superior others, can provoke insecurity and self-doubt, particularly when directed at influencers or self-proclaimed experts who promote rigid and hypermasculine ideals (Lajnef, 2023). When young men compare themselves to such figures, they are more likely to question their own worth or adopt maladaptive strategies in an attempt to emulate these models which can include aggressive and violent behaviour (Pérez-Torrez 2024; Stanaland & Gaither, 2021)

Dating coaches as toxic advisers

In online spaces, so-called “dating coaches” often gain traction through deliberately provocative and controversial behaviour. Instead of encouraging emotionally attuned or needs-based approaches to relationships, many promote a model grounded in dominance, emotional detachment, and rigid gender roles. Central to this is the red pill theory – a belief system rooted in essentialist notions of masculinity, male entitlement, and anti-feminist resentment (Kaiser 2020). While the term rose to prominence in the 2010s via online forums such as Reddit, its ideological roots can be traced back to the early 2000s (Schutzbach 2018, 306-308). At the time, mainstream culture embraced “pickup artist” literature and television shows with minimal scrutiny. Offering manipulative tactics to “conquer” women, framing relationships as power struggles rather than mutual connections (Schutzbach 2018). Today’s digital successors may use new platforms, but the underlying worldview remains strikingly consistent – now amplified by algorithmic systems that reward outrage and virality.

Empathy, vulnerability, and mutual respect are devalued in favour of strategies that frame relationships as a game of power. Central to these attitudes is a pseudo-scientific worldview that selectively draws on biology and the social sciences to justify gender hierarchies (Bates 2020: 39). By cherry-picking theories rooted in social Darwinism, these influencers portray women as instinct-driven and manipulative, reinforcing a perception of society as a competitive, hierarchical space in which men must assert dominance to be considered desirable (Lindsay 2022: 212, 216; O’Malley, Holt & Holt 2022: 12). Within this logic, male attractiveness is equated not with emotional competence but with physical aggression, assertiveness, and unsolicited contact (Kracher 2020: 28f.; Lindsay 2022: 212; Ging 2019: 640). Women are framed not as equal partners, but as adversaries to be controlled or outmanoeuvred, while femininity and queerness are routinely ridiculed or framed as threats (Kracher 2020). These narratives frequently overlap with extremist ideologies — both reject pluralism, glorify rigid gender roles, and idealise strength, control, and hierarchy.

This worldview is not confined to online subcultures but is often already normalised in broader society. In many local contexts, entrenched attitudes that regard men as the ‘stronger sex’ persist, and young men can reinforce one another in these beliefs, creating a problematic dynamic that fuels exclusion and hostility. The presence of these societal norms provides fertile ground for the messages of these dating coaches to resonate and take hold, serving as gateways into more radical ideologies.

Practice proofs the need to prevent and intervene

In a series of interviews with Violence Prevention Network practitioners involved in prevention and disengagement work, it became clear that many adolescents, particularly young men, adopt these ideals as behavioural models. They turn to online coaches not only for flirtation tips but to shape their understanding of masculinity. As one practitioner explains, young men often say things like: “You’ve got to hit the gym, throw out bold lines, not care about anyone else” — and then attempt to embody that mindset in daily life. Another practitioner describes how this dynamic can manifest in concrete behaviour. Reflecting on one case, he notes that the young man hadn’t necessarily said these things outright, but acted in ways that suggested he had internalised a particular script of masculinity — one marked by dominance, detachment, and aggression. The practitioner explaines: “Then, of course, he’s quicker to lash out — like if he sees someone wearing a kippah and already has antisemitic views, or a young man who seems weaker holding hands with another man.” This illustrates how the internalisation of hypermasculine ideals, rooted in online subcultures, can reinforce antisemitic, homophobic, and violent patterns of behaviour — particularly when such ideals are framed as expressions of strength and self-worth.

Such distorted notions of masculinity not only influence individual behaviours, they also reinforce the ideological foundations of both far right and religiously motivated extremism. The belief that men are entitled to dominance and higher social status resonates with extremist worldviews that reject equality and pluralism (Meiering et al. 92, 2018). In these milieus, masculine entitlement is more than a personal attitude – it becomes a collective identity marker and a justification for exclusion, repression, or violence. This worldview gets progressively normalised and disseminated at scale through social media (Regehr 2024). As one practitioner observes: “I get the feeling that we can barely keep up with this radicalisation engine that is social media. More radical ideologies are being spread than we’re currently able to counter.” The speed and volume of these narratives make it increasingly difficult for educators and practitioners to intervene with alternative perspectives or decelerate the normalisation of gendered power hierarchies.

Social media as a radicalisation engine

Amongst young men, what begins as a search for orientation – a normal and often difficult part of growing up – can quickly be exploited. Particularly in adolescence, when questions of self-worth and identity are acute, the emotionally charged and performative models of masculinity promoted online can fill a void but simultaneously narrow the range of acceptable male self-expression. Platforms like TikTok, YouTube, and Instagram serve as low-barrier entry points into these narratives. Young people encounter so-called dating coaches through algorithmic suggestions, viral content, or peer sharing, often without actively seeking them out. These influencers package simplistic, emotionally detached scripts of masculinity as self-help, offering apparent certainty, social success and control in response to the insecurities and ambiguities of adolescence. What may begin as curiosity or a desire for advice on relationships quickly becomes a funnel into rigid, hierarchical notions of gender. Many so-called dating coaches do not merely offer poor relationship advice; they contribute to a worldview that normalises elements of extremist ideologies.

These patterns are seamlessly embedded within seemingly apolitical content. In this way, social media acts as both amplifier and gateway: it doesn’t necessarily radicalise young men instantly, but it familiarises them with worldviews that can ease the transition into more closed and explicitly extremist communities.

Masculinity has become one of the central battlegrounds for far right and religiously motivated extremist actors (Bates 2021; Butler 2023). They draw on the very insecurities that are a normal part of male adolescence and reframe them as evidence of societal decay or moral weakness. What is actually a developmentally appropriate period of uncertainty is reinterpreted as a crisis caused by feminism, liberalism, or multiculturalism. And while this narrative is misleading and dangerous, it resonates – because the emotional discomfort it exploits is real.

Alternative masculinities are urgently needed

In response, preventive efforts must go beyond reactive interventions. First, we need to invest in gender-sensitive youth work that goes beyond pathology and recognises the emotional needs and struggles of boys and young men. Programmes must provide space to explore vulnerability, peer pressure, and the desire for recognition – not as deficits, but as starting points for reflection and connection. Programmes should normalise the emotional discomfort experienced in adolescence and strengthen emotional resilience.

Additionally, the digital sphere itself must become a place where alternative masculinities are not just defended but actively made visible. This could involve supporting young content creators who challenge toxic ideals and working with platform algorithms to amplify more diverse male role models. If social media has become a central arena in which identities are formed, then prevention must be willing to enter that space – not only to warn against what’s harmful, but to offer compelling alternatives that speak to young people’s actual experiences.

We are faced with a significant challenge: social media is omnipresent alongside school and the juvenile space in general, yet we struggle to create alternative spaces and narratives that resonate with young people. Without timely and effective intervention, these harmful models risk further entrenching themselves in youth culture and social identity.

However, it is important to recognise that such counter-narratives often struggle to generate the same algorithmic momentum as the outrage-driven content of popular dating coaches and influencers (Carthy & Sarma 2024). While the latter thrive on polarisation and controversy, gaining visibility across ideological divides, alternative visions of masculinity tend to lack this built-in virality. As such, we may need to move beyond merely “countering” harmful narratives and instead invest in the creation of new, digitally grounded formats that are specifically designed to engage with questions of masculinity in ways that are both critical and appealing.

Projects that connect with young men through humour, relational storytelling, or low-threshold coaching formats – especially those that address dating, rejection, and emotional development – might be one such entry point. As Holtermann and Hahne (2024) argue, positive visions of masculinity can help reframe equality not as a threat, but as a liberation from the rigid norms and emotional restrictions of dominant male role models. In this sense, the goal is not only to counter toxic ideals, but to outgrow them – by building and circulating more livable, relatable male utopias.

Benedikt Büchsenschütz is a Research Fellow at Violence Prevention Network, with a focus on gender in extremism, (online) radicalisation, and hybrid ideologies. He holds a Master’s degree in Crisis and Security Management: Governance of Radicalism, Extremism and Terrorism (MSc) from Leiden University.

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Literature

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